Being in seminary I
have the pleasure of worshipping God with my mind all day long. In classes, as
I do homework, and in conversations with my professors I get to think about,
read about, and discuss the nature of God and his will for the world and for
the church. This is a special and particular time of life as most of my life
has not involved nearly this much mental engagement with God and I love having
the opportunity to do so often in this season. That being said, discussing and
reading about theology and scripture is not the same as spiritually engaging
God and the opportunity to engage God with my mind all the time has often made
me forget that I also need to listen to God, speak directly to God, and
worship God with my spirit.
Over the last week or two I have been reawakened to this need. In the midst of
being newly single, being incredibly busy with school, dealing with finances,
and being sad that my whole immediate family is now out of state I have often
felt overwhelmed and alone. This realization hit me hard the other night and I
turned in to God with the full force of what I was feeling that same night.
Naturally, God was there, as he always has been. That night I was reminded
again of his unending faithfulness to me. I was also reminded of my tendency
towards being unfaithful and in those moments I often think of myself as
Hosea’s wife Gomer, melodramatic as that may sound. I am so thankful for the
reminder, found in the book of Hosea, of God’s faithfulness.
I am thankful that the breakup I just went through was mutual and that it seems
to have been what God was telling us to do. That being said, the complexities
involved in breaking up have been stressful and I have had to ask God several
times, “Why is this happening?” I had felt such a lack of peace in light of
these complexities, until I took the time to sit down and listen for an answer.
I felt like he said, in response, “You will not find peace, fulfillment, or
real purpose until you found it in me”. A quote from St. Augustine comes
to mind here, “Our hearts cannot rest until they rest in thee.”
I spent a lot of high school finding fulfillment in being a good student, being
a good youth leader, and being a good boyfriend. When I came to Seattle Pacific
for undergrad, all three of those things disappeared. I was dumped before
college started, I started working for a different church where my ministry
felt almost entirely unsuccessful and I graduated from college with a GPA
significantly lower than the one I entered college with. As a result, the first
three years of college involved a slow descent into depression until I realized
that God’s primary concern was not my success in any of the aforementioned
areas but in me knowing myself as his son. This realization was essential for
pulling me out of depression; unfortunately I have not always been the best at
remembering how important that idea is.
I probably spent far too much of the six months I was with my now ex finding my
fulfillment, yet again, in trying to be a good boyfriend. Now, I am again in
the process of finding my fulfillment in God, and I do not imagine I will find
peace until do. As wonderful as the work of doing seminary is and as much as it
connects my mind to God, my heart cannot rest in that and my soul will not
truly be fulfilled by that. Instead, I am relearning the art of leaning on God.
