Giving Up

            These moments always begin with simple Mistakes. Sometimes they are the ancient Mistakes that start at the root of our existence; the ones that seem to start back there, at the moment life began. Sometimes they are the Mistakes we inherit; the “sins of our fathers” so to speak. Sometimes they are new Mistakes and if I am unlucky they will become as familiar as the ones that precede them.  Regardless of their nature, my Mistakes have been known to kick-start a downward cycle. The Mistake occurs, and it does not matter if it was a first time incident or a bad habit revived, the progress downward might just begin irrespectively.

            And after the Mistake comes the Frustration. Frustration aimed at no one but myself. Frustration in the form of “I can do better than that” or “I should have known better than that.” Frustration that says, “Why aren’t you better than that? Especially after all this time…” Frustration that makes me ask, “Why do my flaws run so deep?” That goblin reaches its gnarled fingers into my mind and into my heart and grabs at whatever it can reach. Then it squeezes like it wants to hold me forever in the worst kind of way. The Frustration goblin grins at me with yellow teeth as he holds up everything that should have prevented me from making that Mistake in the first place. As I collect enough of these goblins, their grip seems to tighten and their weight seems to pull ever harder while they scream at me: “You are incompetent!”

Sometimes, this is the moment when I first think, “Perhaps I should talk to someone.” Then that heckler of a ghoul that is the Threat of Self-Pity makes its appearance and shuts down all productivity with its mockery. “Woe is me,” it teases with pseudo-mourning, “why is my life so hard?” it sardonically pouts as it tries to exasperate me. “Your life is not that bad and you are selfish for thinking anything otherwise!” he screams loudly enough to make me stop and sigh with dejection. The Threat of Self-Pity immobilizes my fingers from writing words with any truth, wires my jaw shut as it forces me to say “I’m doing fine,” and rips my heart from my sleeve and locks it up somewhere dark as he says yet again, “Your problems do not matter, so get over yourself already! Be thankful for what you have you ungrateful sloth!”

After the Threat of Self-Pity has silenced me, the ghost of Acquiescence silently appears. He has no words on his tongue and has no care for any that might be on mine. His blank-eyed stare doesn’t even require words to communicate that silence is my best option. All he does is stare and I know that this silence is what I must accept. His stare has no solace. His is not a “knowing” gaze. Acquiescence does not have my interests in mind; he merely works for the ghouls and goblins that came before him. When Acquiescence’s cold hand grasps mine to lead me forward he has accepted his fate and plans to teach me to accept mine by the time we reach our destination. He does not care and his touch his unlike any person’s. It brings me no comfort and seems to pull my the heat from beneath my skin instead of warming me like the flesh of another soul would.

Once Acquiescence has taught me his ways he hands me over to that two-headed giant known as Loneliness and Defeat. Loneliness is so thin that he wraps me up like plastic wrap and keeps me from doing anything real. He reminds me that cigarettes at least used to pretend to keep me warm in this coldness. He reminds me that booze always seemed like it could fill this emptiness. He reminds me that cheap sex always seemed like a good solution to this darkness. Defeat ardently affirms him on all accounts. The one thing they don’t have to do is remind me that these things have no depth, warmth or light at all. Loneliness is so thin and yet he hardly has to try in order to keep me painfully contained within myself. I am afraid to speak because of the goblins, ghouls and ghosts that have come before him. Defeat then proceeds to kick me while I’m down.

All I can do now is give up.

Give up...

Give. Up.

Give Up the sense that I am sufficient in and of myself. Because I am not. And maybe that’s ok.

I do need help. And maybe that’s ok.

Where these monsters would try and shut me down with that need, my friends, my family, and my God say, “We are here.” And I know that they are.

Give Up so that finally I can say, “help,” I can exclaim, “I need you,” and I can pray, “Arise oh Lord lift up your eyes, don’t forget I’m helpless.” I have been here before and I have found that this is truly my only way out.

Give Up and find myself fully present in the arms of friends and family. And maybe even in those “Everlasting Arms,” cliché as that may be.

Give Up.

And grow from here.

In 2011 I was diagnosed with depression and with help from friends, family, and an entirely faithful God, I was able to make my way out of that soul-sucking bog. In the years since then my self-esteem and I have still had a rocky relationship. Something very like depression has, at various times, clawed its way back in to the periphery of my mind, if not even further in than that. I would be lying if I said that I don’t feel the threat of its shadow right now.

I hope that as I lay this out, those people who have been depressed can find some hope in knowing that they are not alone. I also hope that this can explain to those who have not been depressed why it can be so hard to ask for help. Believe me when I say that the ghoul of the Threat of Self-Pity nearly kept me from writing this as he mocked and taunted me: “You are just making a plea for sympathy because it will make you feel good! You are just miserable and in need of attention!”

I also hope you will believe me when I say that I have help. A dear friend and a mentor both know about my situation already.

Some of you may feel that this post was rather darker than usual. Sometimes the really dark stuff is the most cathartic. I think that those of us who love Jesus need to be honest about our imperfections. But I also don’t know that I would call this dark because, for me, it brings so much stuff into the light. The goblins, ghouls, ghosts, and giants don’t like the light very much. I might feel exposed, but I can feel them tremble.

Finally, I hope that if any of you currently are here, you can find some solace, and can give up in the best way possible.

Lastly, this seems like the right song to throw in here:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nj4q4rfDcNw